Dark days

Today has been a dark one for me. I woke up knowing somehow that the day would be a bad one, and sure enough, the toilet mysteriously overflowed first thing in the morning. It's really starting to hit, the financial trouble we're in. Two months behind on the mortgage, thousands of dollars in unpaid back taxes, both Federal and State excise taxes. They're catching up with us and I'm not ready for them yet.

It all started in 2007 when the HSO stopped paying us on time. I was the committee chair then and my life has never been the same since. I spent all my time trying to 'save the symphony' and got tossed to the wolves in the process. Then on New Year's Day, 2008, a horrible hard drive crash and somehow my financial records are all gone, even the back-ups can't be recovered so 2007 taxes need to be done from receipts- I got half way through it, gave up and still have not filed for 2007. I owe big time for 2008 and 2009.

And now the HSO is bankrupt, and things have never looked as bleak for the future prospects. I feel like I've lost hope. Many of my colleagues have left and gone on to other jobs in other fields. I don't feel qualified for anything else and am paralyzed with anxiety of how to proceed.

I've been avoiding and denying for too long. Even when I was in practice mode for the four auditions I took I could have been more proactive. I've let myself laze around and have missed opportunities that I could possibly have created for myself.

I should have been keeping the books more up-to-date and now have to pay the price. There's a box full of receipts and statements - and two more boxes as well, under my desk. The garage is full of junk that we bought for the kids, all outgrown and some of it never used in the first place. There's 14 cages that Meghan was going to clean and sell back in June, never did- leaving it for us to do. I just feel so overwhelmed.

The front page of today's paper highlighted how weak Hawaii's foreclosure laws are and as I read it the reality that we may well lose this house really sunk in. Better get moving, get lean and mean as Dr. Okumoto has been advising for months. We're in deep doo doo.

This blog is to be about my process of surviving this crisis. Wish us luck.